4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
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I create my own luck. Also, my own problems. I’m very creative.
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
My wife often wishes she could use a remote to mute me but the joke would be on her. I’m even more annoying in closed captions.
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
ME: [looking at last piece of cake] I can’t. I’ve had 4 slices already.
MY MOM: [mortal kombat voice] FINISH IT!!
absolute chaos
PLEASE DO NOT SUMMON WHEAT THINS FROM THE TOILET
I’m still rubbish at Venn diagrams. I really don’t get them. :/
me doing my taxes: will i go to jail if i write off this pen?
some rich guy doing his taxes: deduct “the sea”
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Hulk hands at home tomorrow
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
I just drank an entire bottle of wine and feel the urge to help someone with math homework and declare that laundry piles are now furniture.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Pass gas, not judgment.
i think it’s pretty cool that we can all agree on the most fucked up thing of the past decade.
it wasn’t ebola
it wasn’t trump
it wasn’t even blake shelton getting sexiest man of the year
it was that damn U2 album that apple decided to just download to everyone’s iphone
I don’t hold grudges. I pose with them.
I love when people apologize for ‘not tweeting much lately’ as if veiled mourners were lighting candles for their immediate return
[Wonder Woman shows up]
Superman: Is she with you?
Batman: I thought she was with you?
Wonder Woman: Bruce you literally emailed me today
At some point the blessing in disguise is going to take off the disguise, right?
[texting old friend I only hung out with cuz they had a trampoline] do u still got that trampoline
People keep mistaking my “wow”s for compliments.
Perfect Date:
1) Get kids out of the house
2) Light some candles
3) Burn the house down
4) Collect the insurance
5) Take her somewhere nice
Some of us just had a bee in our shirt and we weren’t actually KungFu fighting.
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Who tf be hiding shrimp in their socks?
Van Gogh: take my ear as a symbol of love
Girl: ew I don’t want this
Van Gogh: I’m glad you like it
Girl: can you even hear me? This is gross
Van Gogh: I love you too
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
The adjective “interesting” is way more reliable when applied to cheese than when used to describe people.