My kid hasn’t finished her homework but she did call a family meeting to show us the 20 slide presentation she created on why we should get a cat.
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This dude wants $4800 to remove a raccoon from my attic. So our family has a pet raccoon now, obviously. Say hello to Charlotte.
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours
I sometimes wonder how they decided what animals made the cut in the animal crackers.. who thought leaving out raccoons was a good call?
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
me: [reading newspaper]
him: *stares*
me: do you need to go out?
him: *stares*
me: are you hungry?
him: *stares*
me: you want the crossword?
him: *wags tail*
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
I constantly lose my phone so it’s really up to you if you want to play ‘shes ignoring me or her phone is in the fridge’
How old is too old to go trick or treating? Say over 50. Please say over 50.
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
DJ VAN HELSING: this one goes out to my boy, Drac
DRACULA: *rolls eyes* oh here we go
DJ VAN HELSING: *plays Man in the Mirror*
*maintains eye contact*
*leaves with Drac’s girl*
I call people weirdos a lot for someone who can’t leave their house without checking the stove 3x even If I haven’t cooked on it since 2009.
MOM: Goodnight. Sleep tight. Don’t let the bedbugs bite.
ME: I’d like to see them TRY *slowly pulls katana from beneath pillow*
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
*Cooks dinner for family*
Gets arrested for attempting to cause great bodily harm
I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
there is a small frog hiding in the water fountain at work and I am very jealous of him
My husband and I called my sweet, 85-year-old grandma to tell her I got a new job.
She congratulated us, talked for a bit, and then hung up.
Later she called me to say I should open a secret bank account and never tell my husband about it.
My grandma is fierce.
You think that a new transit line that would carry over a million people a year would be good? Well these 20 wealthy home owners say otherwise
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
Craving that feeling of immediate regret? Invite someone to your house. Works for me
It’s as hard to defend Liverpool as it is for Liverpool to defend.
All these new parents wanting time to slow down, and I’m over here trying to get a fake ID for my 4YO so she can go buy Mommy’s wine.
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
I draw dicks on my face every Sunday night so my co-workers think I have a social life.
I hope the guy who stole my debit card enjoys his $12 shopping spree.