(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?
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If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Me: But nothing comes out when you move your lips just a bunch of gibberish, you mother fu-
Friend: WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO MY BABY?!
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
{Outside burning building}
HER: Don’t be a hero!ME: *Very much enjoying my ice cream* I had literally not even considered it.
👽Hey aliens, Since you’re in the area can you please come get me? I’ve got Coca-Cola and chicken!
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
my kid: I’m so hungry, I’ve never been hungrier, I could eat a horse, no wait I could eat a house, I need food right now
me: ok what do you want
my kid: you have to guess
*drinks Grey Goose
*adds bird fanatic to the resume
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
me: i know things haven’t been going well, but I think if we have a kid together, we can turn this around
boss: you’re still fired
[Robert Oppenheimer, hands clasped behind back, standing in front of the newly completed atomic bomb] Now I am become death, destroyer of worlds…
[another scientist who worked on the project] me too
Lube but for my dry humor.
mondays are the worst day of the week because no one likes you unless you’re a holiday
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
They found the charred body rolled into an old carpet, locked inside the trunk of a burned out car. The police suspect foul play.
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
when i was 12 i read lingerie like it’s spelled and everyone started laughing and they were like “haha LINGERIE? it’s *lauwnzhoureigh” and i was like ?? how am i the idiot in this situation? sorry i actually know how to read. sorry i don’t just make up sounds when i see letters.
The princess and the pea
But me, finding a rogue cockroach in my shoe and almost shitting myself on the bus
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
I’m at my most ninja when the motion sensor sink don’t work.
i married for love
but the obvious side benefit of having someone around to find my glasses cannot be ignored
It’s wrong! If gay marriage is legal who will stop me marrying this painting of a horse. This majestic painting. Who will stop me kissing it
[being murdered at work]
Me: *being murdered*
Murderer: *murdering me*
Boss: let me know how I can help(it is unclear who he’s talking to)
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Angel: hey God the humans are doing another sacrifice for you
God: [sitting in a sea of goats] it’s not another goat is it