Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
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HOST: Make yourself at home!
ME AND MY CLONE: I prefer the lab, thanks.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
“I can’t believe we’re selling this house. So many memories. Man, if walls could talk…”
WALL: “I saw you vacuum up your kid’s hamster.”
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
I can tell you from experience that the “fake it till you make it” saying is true for most things in life, just not flying a helicopter.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
I had no idea parenting would turn me into the kind of person that thanks their 4yo for peeing in the toilet but here we are.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar
Add “af” to the end of all business emails for maximum corporate whimsy
[first date]
HER: I really like you
ME: I like you too
HER: So did you bring protection?
ME: *gesturing to my bodyguard* Yeah, this is Tony
[a giant killer salmon is attacking the city]
cop: [throws smoke bomb]
me: “all you’ve done is make him extra delicious you idiot”
When I gave up sugar for Lent, I didn’t know I was also giving up travel, sex, human interaction, public gatherings, movies, drinking alone, peace of mind and sanity. I want sugar back.
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: oh my god let me talk to him
kidnapper: very well
dad: listen son money doesn’t grow on trees
I never made it as a firefighter. I thought arsonists were people who hated arson, so every time we met one I thanked him for his support
Oh thank god, you wouldn’t want your kid to ruin family booze night
“Sorry I didn’t reply to your email Terry, a wolf ripped my hands off… Oh these? Um, I got new hands? Gotta go!”
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
LOL!
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
I turned my phone onto “Airplane Mode” and threw it into the air. Worst. Transformer. Ever.
“I’d like a bowl of soup please.”
“Any sides?”
“I hope so, or it’ll go EVERYWHERE.”
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
Travel bloggers during quarantine