As a kid, I didn’t want to get caught misbehaving by my parents.
Now I’m a parent. And I don`t want to get caught by my kids.
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Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
Having little kids is great because I love spending hundred of dollars each week to feed my floor and my trash can
If you click with someone, be their friend. If they prove they’re not worthy of your friendship, bury the body & start again.
Once a married woman “gave me a piece of her mind,”bc her (also married) TC retweeted me. I didn’t RT him, nor did I know the dorks were ‘TCs,’ but ok. Then he sent me DMs to say she was crazy.I didn’t respond so he told me I was a snob.
Anyway, I hate it here. I’m never leaving
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
Airline passenger fell asleep on my shoulder. It was already awkward so I just went ahead & braided her hair.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
If you have an easy firstborn child, don’t feel good about yourself. It’s a trick from Mother Nature so you, fueled by false confidence, reproduce again. Your second will be a no-limit soldier who likes to slap and doesn’t sleep.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
Crime tip: commit all your crimes in space NASA is not the space police there are no laws up there you will not go to jail
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
Netflix and awkward silence?
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
If there’s a civil war just a heads up I’m going after all the Herbalife and Shakeology people first
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
I never text and drive bc that would imply that I actually go places.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
Professional cuddlers probably aren’t going to advertise on Craigslist.
I know this now.
*Walks away with a scar on my back and a missing kidney*
If I’m found dead in the bathtub clutching a toaster, check for Pop-Tarts before jumping to conclusions.
ISSUE: is the road runner wile e coyote’s son
FOR: thhey, seem to respect each other, on some level
AGAINST: one of them is a dog
My dog reacts to the vacuum cleaner the same way I react when my wife says “We need to talk”.
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*