I ordered Chinese food last night. My fortune cookie said “LOL” and I’ve never agreed with one more.
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A chihuahua is just a barking cat.
me: *vacuums up ant*
ant: oh no
me: *vacuums up all the food my kids spilled*
ant: oh wait
mmm onion ringos
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
people often debate spf levels, but i’ve always found the most effective sunscreen to be the roof of an air conditioned house
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
always baffles me that anyone thought “did it hurt when you fell from heaven?” was a good pickup line. you mean like the devil?
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
The safest place to sit in the park is actually on the rollercoaster we bought piece by piece on eBay
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
“How hard up for cash do you have to be to wear a chicken suit & wave at cars,” I think, adjusting the beak protruding from my forehead
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
honestly there’s like 4 types of people. babies, 14 yr olds, people who are exactly ur age, and people who are 500 years old
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
Yelling REEEEEMIX, when your boss stutters on a conference call is looked down upon.
Dominos sent me an email while I was in the frozen pizza section. Trust issues much? I’ll call you later, relax.
Did you know that your iPad has a built in bathroom scale app? Go ahead, try it.
When I told my contractor I didn’t want carpeted steps, he gave me a blank stair.
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
A new study reveals that tigers are totally harmless to humans, “They don’t even eat meat” said a very stripy scientist.
a god among men
If you think your life is awful my mom keeps track of my “cycle” and just told me that I’m ovulating and that I should mingle more.
Me: omg look how bad they messed up my name at Starbucks, this isn’t even close
lupita nyong’o: that’s my coffee
It’s almost like none of my friends and family want to hear about the healthy lifestyle I adopted three days ago.
(during sex)
Her: Make me scream
Me: *let’s loose tarantula on her chest*
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on