I accidentally touched the underside of a public toilet seat with my finger. Well, you had a good run, finger. *chainsaw sound*
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Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
i hate daylight savings. it’s gonna take me weeks to stop writing the wrong time on my checks.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
My twins both have hiccups at the same time and I’m over here hoping it’s not the eighth sign of the apocalypse
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
You don’t have to write ‘Twitter addict’ in your bio. Your 58675687K tweets give it up by themselves.
Nice try horror movies, but everyone in my generation is already terrified to answer their phones
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
5: Mommy, we can eat something if we not allergic?
Me: yep
5:right now?
Me:sure
5:BROTHER! Mom said we can have ice cream!
Me: sonofa…
People half my age are now legitimate adults, and frankly I find this offensive.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
KING1: I bring you gold.
K2: I bring you frankincense.
K3: *drops pot of myrrh* *pot shatters* Oh. I bring you…erm…interpretive dance!
WHY DOES EVERYONE ON DATING APPS LIKE HIKING SO MUCH
[walking away from taco truck]
WIFE: whats wrong
ME: nothing
WIFE: did u think the truck would be one giant taco
ME: *wiping away tears* no
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
“There’s a sleeping person. Let’s go ask it questions.” – Children
I think I’m having a stroke
My dad just said I should put our dog on “this site– have you been to it?” I went over to the computer. He had written “pomeranians” into Google image search
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
3: mummy can I tell you about my dream?
Me: of course sweetie
3: *finishes 3 hours later* did you like it?
Me: *didn’t listen to any of it* loved it!
3: what was your favourite part?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: *sweating* the….unicorn part?
3: mine too yay!
Me: yay!
Dog 1: Help me with this crossword clue. Outer covering of a tree. 4 letters.
Dog 2: woof?
Dog 1: You’re not even trying.
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I missed you with all my darts
IF ANYONE EVER ASKS YOU WHAT TIME IT IS PUT ON SHADES AND SAY “ITS SHOWTIME”