‘I HATE drama!’ -Dramatic people
You Might Also Like
I’m extremely good at being so close to getting a prediction right.
I’m like an Almostradamus.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
[in a getaway car]
robber: what are you wearing i said come in a mask
me (taking cucumber slice off my eye): do you not see this mud?
long ago, the four philosophers lived together in harmony
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Broke my ankle at 19 years old and didn’t miss a single day waiting tables. Last week I took 3 days off work because my cat had diarrhea.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
I bet Sauron would be a lot more respected if he had a monocle.
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
“amateurs”
~ Mick Jagger browsing duck lip selfies
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
When someone says, “that’s ridiculous, no one will ever do that”, I’m the guy that says, “hold my beer. I’ll do it.”
Are we still sending rich dudes to space cause I just got a 2 dollar bill in the mail from GramGram and this shining star is ready to rocket
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
WIFE: Can you send these party invites out?
ME: Sure *throws them out window*
WIFE: Did you-
ME: If they’re meant to come, they’ll come.
The neighbor is having an open home
How long should I stand at my front door naked yelling at birds?
I pulled my Power Washer out not because anything really needed cleaning but because you may as well have some fun while your quarantined. Related, my neighbor is soaked.
I’m old enough to remember the days of rolling blackouts. Admittedly, they were mostly caused by single malt, but still.
5: water poops dirt
me: only bodies poop
5: you said the lake is a body of water
me: well looks like you’re ready to move out & make it on your own
*at swingers club*
me: so how does this work? do we both go at the same time or do I push you first?
how come nobody who hacks celebrities ever does anything funny with it? they just type the n word like that’s comedy gold. You just hacked the CEO of twitter, idiot, you could’ve said something like “I am pleased to announce we are merging with Facebook. More details to follow”
ME: Not all heroes eat crepes.
HIM: It’s “Not all heroes wear capes.”
ME: Oh, so do all heroes eat crepes?
HIM:
ME: Then shut up.
My son came home hella mad today talking about he told his friends i was a virgin and they told him that was impossible
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
My local spa has an oxygen room, which begs the question: what the heck is in all the other rooms?