Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
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serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
All day: I’m so tired I could cry
12:30 am: Not only should I write a musical, I should do it right now
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
“I’m not racist but…” – Britain
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
Joseph Campbell: Follow your bliss.
Marie Kondo: Spark joy every day.
My doctor: Everything you love is bad for you.
Me:
“Mom, the speed limit is 45 and you’re going 47,” says the child who clearly wants to walk home.
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Me: how was school?
Son: I cried today.
Me: oh that’s okay everyone cries.
Son: and I peed on my teacher.
Me: oh that’s okay buddy, I pee on people all the time.
Wife: stop.
A thick layer of mayonnaise on all your furniture will remove water rings from wood and unwanted guests from your house.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
she like a man in uniform so the mcdonalds outfit here 2 stay
Me: I’m going to be so productive today!
Apple Screen Time Report: LOL
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
You laugh at me now, but when a giant wheel of feral cheddar rolls up while you’re out walking alone, that’s the time you’ll wish for a can of CheeseMace™.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
911: Your emergency?
-Karen asked me a question.
911: Not an emergency.
-She asked if I could be more pacific.
911: Cars are on their way.
This Tuesday marks the 3rd anniversary of my wife and I trying to find a show we’re both into.
[first date]
Me: *don’t let him know you’re the Mona Lisa*
Him: You look nice tonight
Me: *smiles ambiguously*
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
According to some “experts” called “doctors”…
You can wake up without a hangover if you don’t drink the night before.
Whatever.
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
if you become a ghost, don’t limit yourself to haunting houses. be the first to haunt a jellyfish exhibit! make a tulip your home and startle a bee. haunt a ball of yarn, get knit into a sweater. remember: it’s your soul that’s eternally damned, NOT your sense of style
Meets girl at bar.
Takes her to Ikea.Quickly learns the difference between one-night stand and one nightstand.
Dentist: Ok, I’m going to start drilling.
“Wait! What if I have to poop?”
D: Then you should go now.
*awkward pause*
“Thanks I feel better.”