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It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
She once called me bae so I had to baeurry her in my backyard..
My teeth are so crooked they should run for office.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
Ever talk to someone so stupid they make you squint?
This is a friendly reminder to go drink water you dehydrated bean
My Uber driver upon seeing my face(not on my profile) switches his music from rap to the Chainsmokers and this is probably the worst I’ll ever be racially profiled
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I just met my daughter’s friend’s mom for the first time and she introduced herself by saying, “Hi, I’m Olivia’s mom, you’ve probably heard me yelling in the background of their Zoom calls.”
I gave up watching X-Files after realizing Mulder was NOT actually his own alien-abducted sister who was returned as a boy and was suppressing the memory.
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
Cargo shorts need insulated side pockets so people can always have access to a hot and tasty pork chop.
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
do british taxpayers realise how much money goes down the drain because james bond won’t take the bus
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
When my 2 cats enter the living room at the same time I assume they’re about to tell us they’re getting divorced
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
person: nice cheese
inventor of swiss: thanks it has pockets
teacher: how long ago did the dinosaurs go extinct?
me: *extreme staind voice* it’s been awhile–
There’s a fine line between “I slept great” and “what did I do to my neck?”
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
I gave my son an iPhone for Christmas and I haven’t seen him since.
Parenting is easy.
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.