Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
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DATE: oh u have an eyelash on ur cheek [picks it up] make a wish
ME (under my breath): i wish u wouldn’t touch my property
Don’t hate the PLAYA… hate the Spanish word for beach.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
[about to invent the button] this is going to be so cute
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
The chaotic energy of the dude at my gym who just chugged a Monster energy drink before walking into a yoga class is the same energy I’m trying to channel this year.
I’ve been on my best behavior ever since the words “you can be charged as an adult” applied to me
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
Ran down the stairs without a bra on and my husband thought I was clapping. I was not. I was not clapping.
I don’t understand why salads are seen as “dainty” food. I look more like a wild animal eating salad than literally anything else.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Ok I have a confession…. When I was 10 I use to get hungry during the church service and I would sneak to the kitchen and heat up the sausage biscuits they would have in the fridge for Sunday school. I didn’t know they kept inventory. They said 100 went missing in a month 🫠
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
zeus: my son hercules has the biggest, muscles of all
poseidon, holding a bucket of shellfish: i seem to have misunderstood the assignment
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
[emailing eHarmony match]
Her: describe yourself
Me: brown hair, kinda stalky
Her: lol you mean stocky
Me [through her bedroom window]: No
My wife said she got a life insurance policy on me in case something tragic happened and I was like wow she thinks my death would be tragic!
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Establish dominance by dying while you have out of town guests.
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me