yes, sharks can outswim you. but you can outrun sharks. so far in a triathlon you’re square. all comes down to who’s the faster cyclist
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JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
Leaving wrapping paper and a bow on my living room floor for my Roomba’s birthday
We’re only a few years away from being arrested for crimes we haven’t yet committed based solely on an analysis of our Google search history.
Or at least I am.
I really hate it when I have to go to work because my abundant wealth doesn’t exist.
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
FACEBOOK: yo remember ur ex from 2 years ago? look at this photo of u together
ME: facebook no
FACEBOOK: k heres ur dog who died 5 years ago
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
Whenever the wife asks what I’m eating. I chew faster like a dog and refuse to open my mouth
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Me: I had to learn to drive on a stick
Daughter: Wow, you guys really were poor growing up. Did the stick at least have tires and an engine?
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
You can take all the daylight you saved & stick it where the sun don’t shine.
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Me: mic is short for microphone
My kid: so my uncle’s name is Microphone?!
when was the last time we checked in on the guy from Snow Patrol. is he still layin there
I thought eyelashes were meant to keep stuff out of my eye, but half the time if theres anything in my eye its a damn eyelash.
I bet history classes would be easier if the guy who named the War of 1812 got to name all the other wars.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
Why does a billionaire need a Bat signal? He is in a cave. How does he even see the signal? Why won’t you just text him?
I shouldn’t be laughing probably but that is hilarious