ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
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[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Me: I’m too full to eat anymore.
Food: Are you sure.
Me: No.
Okay, kids, listen closely cause I’m only gonna say this 257,000 more times.
–Moms
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I’m pretty sure the coupon I gave you for a $7 haircut suggests that I’m not interested in that $44 bottle of shampoo, but thank you.
More like Kate Missington.
Yes, I would take a bullet for you.
We’re still talking about shoplifting at the ammo store right?
Welcome to middle age. “I carried a watermelon” has gone from movie quote to something you tell your orthopedist.
I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political
I think my family is really going to dig the 15 minute powerpoint I’ve created of the things I am thankful for at Thanksgiving dinner.
There’s nothing my kid can’t do. Except anything I tell him.
Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
No matter how often I scream METALLICA in the poolside DJ’s face I don’t think he’s going to play them. Here come the police they’ll help me
ME: my stomach hurts
STOMACH: you ate too much
ME: maybe I need something to settle it down
STOMACH: no
ME: but what?
STOMACH: nothing
ME: maybe something carbonated
STOMACH: pepto bismol
ME: yes a beer
The baby changing station in this Chili’s bathroom is broken
I put the old baby in there and when I opened it back up it was the same one
“Do you know what the fear of belly buttons is called?”
“Omphalophobia.”
“Why do you know that?!?”
“I studied at the Navel Academy.”
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
I ate 2 Three Musketeers candy bars. That’s SIX musketeers. Which is 5 musketeers too many.
date: so how are you?
me: I’m doing good! how are-
guy behind me: you mean you’re doing “well”
date: who the hell is that
me: I told you I had a corrections officer
My good tweets are in my other pants.
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
The kids and I left the house on time this morning, so now I have to stop for coffee because I don’t have the adrenaline I usually get from running late
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Bless you
*Shovel
*Lye
*GlovesCashier: “Gardening project?”
Me: “Nope”*Bleach
*Duct tape
*Tarp
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.