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The plural of mouse is mice, so the plural of spouse should be spice and I’m not discussing this any further.
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
*loses you in a crowd*
finally
If you’re unsure if you’re pregnant or not that’s called a maby
Oppenheimer at the A-Bomb test saying “Now, I am become Death, the destroyer of worlds” only me exiting the bathroom after eating Taco Bell.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
My schedule can get pretty packed – that’s why I like to use Google calendar to keep myself organised. For example [scrolls down for45 seconds] December 25th is Christmas Day
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
Million dollar idea: an alarm clock that plays Nickelback if you hit snooze.
drunk in public? why good sir back in my day we used to call it “turnt” how do I keep up with the parlance of these times.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
god: next up for 2020-
angel: crap, what now?
god: tornadoes FULL OF SHARKS
angel: i’ll get legal
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Me: I just heard a noise
WebMD: Cancer
Rude coworker said something very dumb & mean to me.
She blamed it on pregnancy brain.
I asked her if she was having triplets.
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
Rice: for when you’re not really
hungry but still wanna eat a 1000
of something.
Sure you look forward to the day your kids are independent adults and living on their own, but it’s a double edged sword because then it becomes even harder to avoid talking to your husband.
The dark side of Canada
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Mom in the 90’s: We need to get you a light coat and warm pants for fall.
Me, showing up to school the next day:
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
We didn’t lose power, so my fantasy about seducing linemen as a thank you will have to wait for the next storm
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
Me: Wow, I love your new yoga pants!
Wife: Thanks. Can I have them back?