{Couples Counseling}
THERAPIST: Tell me what you love most about each other.HER: He’s so kind.
ME: If we don’t have cheese she goes and buys cheese.
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How to make emails sound livid:
“As discussed”
“I thought we agreed”
“Regards”
“Thanks”
“I was under the impression”
“FYI”
“As per my email”
“With respect”
“Friendly reminder”
“Polite note”
“I was disappointed to…”
“Whilst I appreciate…”
“As I’m sure you’re aware”
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I hope my enemies are walking around in wet socks.
the song “pour some sugar on me” was written about shredded wheat cereal and i won’t be taking any discussion on this.
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
Me: You secretly can’t wait until I die so you can eat my face.
Cat: Secretly? No.
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: please break this treat into much smaller pieces
Get on your knees. Crawl towards me.
Look under the couch. I think I lost the remote under there.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
people are attacking at me with pitchforks simply because i choose to lay still under piles of hay, straw, and leaves at times.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.
If you think walking on eggshells is bad, try chewing them.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
[speed dating]
*takes his temperature*
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Me: Are the bowling trophies included?
Realtor: Haha
Me: …
Realtor: …no, they aren’t
Me: I’m not interested then
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie
Day 7: My dogs and I switched roles and I’m the one following them around the house now.
After we got the divorce she let me have everything. Except the jewelry, and of course something to keep it in. I call it “the house”..
Egregious Outerwear Lies
Trench coat: would get RUINED in a trench
Pea coat: not made of peas
Leather bomber: zero incendiaries
Swing coat: doesn’t dance at all
Parka: can’t even drive
23. the denim jacket
By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?
This coyote won’t let me get close enough to put a sweater on him.
murderer 1: well this is awkward
murderer 2: omg Dave what are you doing here
murderer 1: how’s Rachel?
murderer 2: she’s good, she just-
me: EXCUSE ME
On a recent tour of my son’s college, the guide walked us up 5 flights of steep stairs because she didn’t think the 4 of us should share an elevator. I’m pretty sure the extreme shortness of breath my husband and I had, at the top, confirmed her concern for protecting our heath.
Unfortunately, not even me offering to cut my toenails could save the relationship.
Terrifying if literal: keeping your eyes peeled.