I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
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I can usually tell how productive I’ve been at work, by the battery life of my phone.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
I’m offended my cat won’t let me use her as a squishmallow
It’s 100% legal to give cops the finger. But remember, it’s also apparently 100% legal for them to shoot and kill you.
Women don’t mind compliments on their shoes from under a bathroom stall, it’s when you ask to try them on that they get all weird about it
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
If the office coffee pot doesn’t have to work until it’s banged on the counter neither do I
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
ME: oh no inanimate objects are coming to life
FRIEND: what where
ME: look out the window
STEPHEN KING: But the warning came too late. The evil window attacked
[making flamingos]
God: bird.
Adam: got it.
G: but it stand still a lot.
A: ok..
G: on one leg.
A: how high are you?
G: make it pink.
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Good morning! Today I am manifesting the following:
-you having a good day
-a plain toasted cinnamon raisin bagel
-$50
-the total & complete downfall & internal collapse of my landlord’s morally bankrupt HOA
-weather that only requires a light coat
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
That bear was just minding its own business. You brought that granola bar into the situation. Should have brought enough to share.
On a girl’s vacation while drunk, we all bought hotdogs and then tried to give someone directions. I gestured so emphatically that I slung the wiener right out of my bun and into the street, and then ate it anyway because a $5 dog is a $5 dog. Follow me for more financial advice
WIFE: Kate’s new baby is 7lbs 11oz
ME:
WIFE: Roughly ½ a stone
ME:
WIFE: 3½ kilos
ME:
WIFE: [sigh] a four pack of beer
ME: Oh cool
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
[After performing the Dirty Dancing lift at our wedding]
ME: Well that sure impressed them!
WIFE [gasping for breath] You’re getting heavier
Ghostbusters (1984): A large, jovial marshmallow sailor is burned alive amid the crossfire btwn humans and ethereal beings.
I just switched my doorbell to the sound of a shot gun loading.
Will you be my 14th most used emoji?
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Don’t become a scientist y’all, it’s a trap.
When it works, you gotta do more experiments.
When it doesn’t work, you gotta do more experiments.
So supportive, you should change your name to Wonder Bra.
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.