Me to 19 year old child: What did you order on YouTube for $20?
19: I don’t want to tell you.
Me: Was it porn?
19: It’s worse.
Me: What was it?
19: Beverly Hills Chihuahua 1 and 2
😆😆😆
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If you live in denial of your emotions, it will take far longer to take care of them, because once we recognize what we’re feeling, we can tackle it or whatever is causing it.
📸: @blessingmanifesting
#positivemind #dailymotivation #keepmovingforward #personalgrowth
ADVERT: Have you been involved in an accident at work…
*looks up from hospital bed*
ADVERT: …that wasn’t your fault…
ME: Oh.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
The scariest thing about the terrorists is how fast they can do the monkey bars in their training camp videos.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
figuring out my emotional availability:
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Sitting on the patio having coffee a bee lands on my arm I am still no flailing of arms I become one with the bee
Narrator: bee stings the shit out of him
Can’t. Busy getting sized up for a sister wife by the dude at tractor supply.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
“Son do you know how to tell if a pineapple is ripe?”
*throws pineapple against grocery store wall*
“Ah nuts that was a good one.”
nurse: how do u rate ur pain
me: it’s a thumbs down
nurse:
me: would not recommend
[Subway}
ME: Roast beef, please.
HIM: Six inch or foot long?
ME: I gotta ask you something.
HIM: Yeah?
ME: How do you say that without laughing?
HIM: Corporate actually teaches a class.
ME: Wow.
HIM: Yup. You want extra meat, big guy?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
Kids don’t like it when you laugh at them after they step on their toys. Taking a video of it doesn’t help either.
WAITER: what else can i get you
ME: nothing thanks
WAITER: okay I’ll get the check
ME: *balls fists* what did i just say
When people ask me “plz” because its shorter than “please”.. I just tell them “no” because its shorter than “yes.”
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
absolutely crushed dolphin wordle
When gathering all the laundry I tend to find other items that have been missing for a while.
I just don’t remember how this frying pan got in between the couch cushions.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I saw a sign that said “Watch for children”
I thought to myself “That sounds like a fair trade”
The Onion called it…again.
The leather seats in your car waiting for you to wear shorts on a hot day
when you came back from the bathroom and your younger sibling had taken your spot on the couch