Overhead my kids arguing about what color is the “tastiest” for a banana to be eaten. One said yellow with brown spot and the other said green.
First of all, this just proves that kids can fight about anything and secondly, both of them are wrong… It’s yellow.
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What the hell happened in there??
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
[dollar store]
“how much for your finest dollar?”
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
We have 3 bathrooms at our new home, the master, the kid’s, and the spider bathroom, so we have 2 bathrooms.
“Siri, why do I make so many typos?”
SIRI: I found this for ‘how to make Somali tadpoles’
Her: “Men are creepy!”
Me, from inside of the closet:
“Yes, we are.”
I saw a man getting ready to fight someone and he took out his airpods and gave them to his friends like they were hoops
Angel: Here’s the final human mold *drops it*
God: *creates mom look*
Angel: Are you mad?
God: No, just disappointed
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
My 5yo asked me to show him how high I can jump in case you’re wondering why I’ll be limping tomorrow.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
Sent him a pic and he replied “BOOM!!” Trying to figure out if that means he liked it or he threw himself on a grenade.
[Interviewing to be a mortician]
Do you have any experience handling dead bodies?-Well I get my sleepy kids ready for school every day.
No, I didn’t get the flu shot. I just make sure to avoid people from October into April.
I just got a text from a number I don’t recognize saying, ‘You’re an embarrassment of a son’. I’ve narrowed it down to 2 people.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
If I hit the lottery, prepare for a beef jerky shortage.
Keep in mind that parenting guides are written by people with enough free time & financial resources to write a parenting guide.
I’m dangerous, baby. Like egg salad that has been sitting out in the sun.
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud