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but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Now that I’m in my 30s, I have to worry about both my kids and my parents saying something embarrassing in public.
Hi guys, got a second date tonight, we’re going to the cinema. What’s the best flavour of soup to put in my thermos? Wanna get this just right
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
I wake my daughter up by tossing pebbles at her window so the first time a suitor tries she’ll have the same response we do to alarm clocks
Being on vacation with kids is a great reminder why you should never be on vacation with kids.
I got a weather service alert that my area is under a flash flood warning and to “take immediate action” so I bought a boat on Amazon. I don’t know I feel like they could be more specific.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
SCARECROW: If I only had a brain
DOROTHY: I just want to get back to Kansas
TOTO: It’s gonna take a lot to drag me away from you
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
Just got to our Airbnb!
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
How dude HOW?!
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
As a fan of Dirty Dancing I can only hope that when we go on holiday one of my daughters sleeps with a middle aged dance instructor.
Guilty! 🤪
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
You lost your phone and it is on silent?
Too bad. If you liked it you should have put a ring on it.
An OnlyFans but for bedtime stories.
*eats only grass-fed donuts
Sex so good you see dead people.
me: It’s raining so we have to run to the car, ok?
toddler: Ok
me:
toddler:
me: You gotta let me open the door before you start running
toddler *rubbing his head* Ok
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
Keep your friends close and that one chick with a great beachfront condo closer.
Sure, we’ve all been through hard times, but even when I waitressed part time during college and ate ramen noodles every night for dinner I still saved my money for important things like Charmin double ply mega rolls.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”