I hate cars with no Tint get me outta this water bottle 😡😡
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My 3yo asked me if she could shave the window and it took me a couple minutes to figure out that she wanted to use the squeegee.
boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
My teachers always told me drugs were never the answer, but they also told me Pluto was a planet, so now I don’t know what to think.
ME: I’m here for toilet pap–
COTSCO: WARM CROISSANTS
ME: But I…
COSTCO: 500 DISPOSABLE RAZORS
ME: I just nee–
COSTCO: BUCKET OF KIMCHI
ME: *spends $472*
I hate all the “creepy clown” news. I’m having a clown solidarity march at dusk near an abandoned insane asylum. Need a calliope player.
A bold strategy
DATE: so what kind of writing do you do?
ME: um, cursive, regular…
DATE: no I mean-
ME: actually I can’t do cursive :/
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Ok…who left the bag of idiots open?
Loneliness Status: Eating donuts and talking to the dog. He seems interested, but I think it’s the donut.
[yard sale]
Cop: We’re here to question you about your neighbor’s missing…is that a gun? We’re going to have to take that.Me: *pulls out sack* Ok but you have to take the lamp with blood on it too. No haggling.
Seeing a stuffed deer head on a wall makes me imagine its legs in the next room, just flailing around wildly.
me: are you a cop you talk the talk.
ex-cop: not anymore
me: couldn’t walk the walk huh.
ex-cop: no didn’t lock the locks.
I just really think bacon should be called “fry”con
My boss: did…you make this powerpoint on company time.
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
“Better stop now before I do something to embarrass myself”
~me, never
i- i did not expect this
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Ok, so maybe the best time to break the news about how many years of school there are was NOT after a rough day at kindergarten.
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
making it rain (CHEETOS) in the club (my bedroom)
me irl
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
I wasn’t always a Reply Guy. I used to talk to the TV.
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.