Teens: Euphoria from a first kiss
Twenties: Euphoria from skydiving
Forties: Euphoria from a price adjustment at Target
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waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
I wonder how many new moms try to pick out a unique name for their baby only to later learn it’s the name of an antidepressant.
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
‘money doesn’t buy happiness’ okay then give me all of yours
Me: I can never tell what girls want
Her: Flirt with me. Whisper sexy things in my ear.
Me: Like…in a friend kinda way?
Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
A shoutout to the jackass that stole my ATM card. I hope you enjoy your $3.62.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Me: *walks up to table next to mine in restaurant*
Are you done with that yet?
Her: We said no.
Me: But I need a green crayon for the tree.
Me: Pad Thai please
Server: sir, this is a McDonald’s
Me: sorry. McPad McThai McPlease
Still laughing at this stupid meme
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken
I put on a blue vest and walked out of Lowe’s with 9 hammers
choose your fighter
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason
Cheer up everybody, only 8 more days until the weekend.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
5yo: Mom is 47!
Husband: She doesn’t look a day over 40.
Me: I’m 37.
Cop: Are you drunk?
Me: Could a drunk person do this? *I just piss my pants*
Cop: WOW. Yes actually.
Me: That was supposed to be a backflip
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”