Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
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[wedding]
“Anyone know why these two should not be joined in marriage?”
ME: *from back* THEY’RE DOING A CASH BAR
*priest drops bible*
Why do people say tunafish, rather than just tuna?
Is that to differentiate from the tunacow and tunagiraffe?
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
In honor of Charles Dickens I will also be cold and poor this christmas.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
i don’t delete messages just incase someone wanna lie about may 20th 1984
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
Every time I watch Bambi I hope it will turn out differently, but I always end up drunk and covered in cool ranch doritos
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
I like to shit with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
Stop showing me pictures of british people’s breakfast I’ve already been through enough
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
Everything started to go south when I realized I didn’t know how to read a map.
At least, I think it went south.
I’m not sure what’s more distressing:
Someone had the idea to invent a 72 hour deodorant.
Or that there’s a market for 72 hour deodorant.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
I’m in a really bad place right now*
*in my neighbor’s driveway “stealing” my doordash that was delivered to the wrong house
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
[1st date]
Me: [putting my jacket over my dates shoulders]
Her: “Thank you but I’m not cold”
Me: [covering her awful dress] “Yes you are”
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.
Plot twist-
Maury is the father.
Never lose touch with your inner Wednesday Addams.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe she studied abroad for one semester and came back with an accent.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
My favorite superheros are.. Baskin and Robbin!