[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
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you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Me (feeling good in my new work outfit)
6yo student: My grandma has that dress.
Before you unsubscribe from our emails, would you mind taking a moment to fill out a short, 200 question survey about why you are unsubscribing?
Pride & Prejudice is a classic love story about a woman falling in love with a giant house, and learning to overcome her prejudice and distrust (because of said house)
ROLLERCOASTER ATTENDANT: Please remain seated in the cars. No standing.
ME (already decapitated):
I thought Coachella was a bone in the ear.
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
if you’ve successfully completed 7 different impossible missions, perhaps the guy in charge of labeling these missions is being a little dramatic
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
figuring out my emotional availability:
So fluffy! 😍 #Cats #CatsOfTwitter
I took a test to see if I have multiple personalities. I scored 100%, 92%, and 88%.
is it rude to throw a breath mint in some ones mouth while they are talking?
Bruce Willis is relaxing by his pool. he’s got so much sunscreen on that he slowly slides off his lounger, out of the gate & down the road
*carries 11 grocery bags into house in one trip*
*locks keys in trunk*
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
Me: So you’re allergic to avocados?
Her: Yup…
Me: Like a vampire?
Her: No that’s garlic.
Me: Oh, like a werewolf?
Her: No, those are silver bullets.
Me: Not avocado bullets?
Her: Don’t…
Me:
Her: Don’t do it…
Me: Fired from a…
Her: *sigh*
Me: Glockamole…
Her: I hate you
“I know how to make an entrance.”
-guy who builds doors
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
Got booted from the rest stop bathroom for tickling everyone’s ankles
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
(Guy saves family from burning house)
Dad: You’re a hero.
Guy: Anyone could’ve done it.
Mom: You’re so humble.
Guy: Yes, I’m Super Modest.
Don’t you find it weird when you go to high five someone and they interlock their fingers with yours and hold it together for a few seconds?
I know you do. That’s why I do it.
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Thanks autocorrect. I wanted her to know that I shaved my duck.