Probably the worst part about being a penguin is after you’re in an argument, you’ll try to waddle away angrily but still look adorably cute
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I call bullshit on vampires that look all sexy and shit when they can’t even see their reflection
God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’
At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?
Was at Taco Bell and heard a girl refer to her friend’s outfit as “ho-fessional” and now I have style goals I never knew existed
If you start out by saying “not to sound creepy,” you’ll get my full attention.
If we had security camera footage of Mother Teresa, trust me, even she’d look guilty of something.
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
I have way less energy than your average haunted doll.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
Smoke alarm batteries only die between 2 and 4 a.m.
I don’t make the rules.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
If climate change were a real threat, we would all simply open our doors and air condition the world. C’mon man.
Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.
It doesn’t come up often in the movie, but one weapon we have against Predator is a handful of glitter.
me: [being abducted by aliens] i’m not going without my cat
my cat: [from inside spaceship] get in, loser. all cats are aliens
me: i knew it
Friend: Where do you get your sense of humor?
Me: My dad. But don’t say that to him.
F: Why not?
Me: He gets really mad.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
ignore the news reports that say bees have learned how to use the internet. they are lies. bees sting us because they love us. bees are safe inside our warm homes. a bee did not write this
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
“Are you good and hard for me yet?”
– me boiling eggs