[speaking at an AA meeting]
Me: You’ll find the transition from hard liquor to hard drugs expensive, but very rewarding
*everyone cheers*
You Might Also Like
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
The person in that bathroom stall would not survive ‘A Quiet Place’
I wanna meet the person whose parents are super disappointed he went to medical school instead of becoming a stand-up comedian
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
Me: I can’t think of any life goals
Wife: God could you be any lazier?
Me: ooh good one
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
I believe it was Gandhi who said “never create passwords for apps when you’re shitfaced”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
HOW TO ROB A BANK: (1) Walk in and start talking about your study abroad experience. (2) Everyone’s asleep now. Grab the money.
Ten out of six people don’t understand how surveys work.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
Me: *Chants in Latin in a deep, demonic voice while levitating*
My mom: Just ignore him. He’s only doing it for attention. Classic middle child syndrome.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Waiter, there’s a spider in my pie. I thought you had an “award winning chef”
*waiter points to MOST CUSTOMERS KILLED BY PIE SPIDERS trophy*
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
*professes my undying love to my microwave*
*microwave sets itself on fire*
Telepathy
“Huh?”
Telepathy
“Ok…let’s move on. What—”
Telepathy
“Please stop interrupting! What are your strengths?”
*rolls eyes* Telepathy
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
Was it something I said?
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
[first day as a drug dealer]
Buyer: got any Morphine?
Me: I’m gonna be honest with you [searching through fannypack] I don’t know what Feen is.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
I am writing a book about all the things I should be doing in my life.
It’s called an oughtobiography.
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37