I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
You Might Also Like
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
How do I like eggs?
Ummm…in a cake!
Scotch neat please
Umm…this is a Starbucks
*sigh
Ok a scotch “grande”
What did one Christmas tree say to the other?
Lighten up!
#Christmas #RubbishJokes
i choose….tongue
I just did 5 crunches trying to get out of my lazy boy. When is it my turn to play aquaman
International Dairy Council: Nobody saw this coming. We don’t know if our markets can recover from this but the only thing we can do now is pray.
[meanwhile, at Olive Garden]
Server: Sir, please
Me: I didn’t say when yet
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
If you’re feeling jealous because someone you know is posting photos of an amazing vacation that you could never afford, remember this: Now is an excellent time to break into their home and steal stuff.
one time when i was like 20 one of my best friends said he liked his name because of how unique it was. his name is jason
[at the drs]
Dr: are you sexually active?
Me: yeah
Dr: with real people
Me [avoiding eye contact & twisting my foot in the ground]: yip
OMG I BOUGHT A MASK AND A GUN AND NOW EVERYTHING IS FREE
My 3 year old told me I wasn’t allowed to go to the toilet and screamed if I tried to
If I’m honest, “bladder vs 3 year old” will be one of the biggest challenges of my life but one I think I’m ready for
Watching football with your 11 y/o daughter is fun because when you get frustrated at your team, she asks calming questions like, “Daddy, do you really think you can do better than the players?”
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
It’s not you, it’s me.
-Twins looking through old photographs.
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Have a baby hold your cigarette for a minute
and everybody loses their shit!
I hope no one murders you..but if they do, I hope it’s quick and interesting enough to get you on Dateline.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
My parents haven’t called with a computer problem in 48 hours. I’m sending my brother over there to check on them.
me: so what do you do?
date: I work with animals
me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* your job sounds fun
You feel like you’re an okay parent winging it as best as possible and then you ask your almost 4yo what her favorite number is and she says “A”.
I was overcharged by a plumber!
So, I’ve been secretly training a gorilla to roll barrels at people.
Tomorrow, we’re kidnapping his girl.
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what