I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
You Might Also Like
If I take anymore ibuprofen, I’m going to have to log it as a snack.
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I pointed out to my wife that she left the front door unlocked last night, and she’s now providing me with a helpful chronological history of every stupid thing I’ve done.
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
“This joke wasn’t funny until the end” okay so that’s called the punchline…….
I like to creep around my home and act like a goblin
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
-Someone keeps phoning up pretending to be my grandmother. It’s a prank, I don’t know what else to call it.
-Shenanigan?
-Don’t you start.
WIFE: look at that couple. He kisses his girl every time he sees her. Why can’t you do that
ME: I’d love to but I don’t know her well enough
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Me: [missing for 24hrs]
Wife: huh, wonder where he is
Son: been quiet
Daughter: has he been gone?
Guy Who Owns Liquor Store Down The Street: [bursts in thru front door] OMG IS GRANT OK
Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.
Condescending:
(adj) showing patronizing superiority
(verb) a convict shimmying down a prison wall with a rope made of bed sheets.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
[Me visiting US for the first time]
Friend: This is a dollar store
Me: Why’s it called that?
Friend: Cos everything costs a dollar
Me: How’s about this candy bar?
Friend: Duh, it’s a dollar
Me: Cool. OK, I’ll buy this pack of pens
Assistant: That’s $1.08
I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
“Are you religious?”
Bro I don’t even believe in myself
[god on LSD creating Donald Trump
What if a car alarm that constantly goes off for no reason were a person?
simultaneously my vacuum caught fire and my crush texted me, so the vacuum had to wait
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
[date night]
me: you know it was pretty hard to get a table here
gf: we are in your apartment
me: you gotta carry it up like 4 flights of stairs then turn it sideways to get it through the door
Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
[Arby’s]
Me: This horsey sauce barely tastes like horse at all
Mgr: *adding horse shavings* Tell me when