ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
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Do men still open car doors?
That 👊
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
Does this dress make me look cat?
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Person 1: The glass is 1/2 full
Person 2: The glass is 1/2 empty
Excel: The glass is the 1st of February
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
I don’t need a boyfriend so much as I need someone to remind me I’m baking cookies when I wander off to start something else
call me a mcdonald’s ice cream machine bc i dont feel like working today
The odds of being murdered by a chicken are low, but never zero.
If you ever have 17 hours to kill, ask someone freshly inked what their tattoo means.
Cop: did you even see what that sign said?
Me: oh, no I don’t know sign language…
I quit my job yesterday. Lucky for me I didn’t tell anybody and I was able to go to work this morning when I got up
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
If you saw me licking the plate after the charcuterie was finished, no you didn’t.
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
don’t like how strawberries have their seeds on the outside. kinda freaks me out. put a shirt on u little weirdo
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
Sing me a song you’re the piano man / clean out my pool you’re the gardener /now light up my room you’re a ceiling fan
I wish I lived in the 20s so I could wear hats, smoke cigarettes and say stuff like, “Hey big cheese, this giggle water is the cat’s meow.”
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
“One day, I will create a global business-oriented social networking service”
– Abraham LinkedIn
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Shall i compare thee to a summers day? For thou maketh me sweaty and bloody irritable
-hey lucifer. did it hurt
-did what hurt
-when you fell from heaven
-for the last time gabriel i am not going out with you
*screams “I don’t speak Mandarin!!!”
*the oranges finally shut up