Dons gloves and bandana.
Saunters into restaurant.
THIS IS A TAKE OUT!
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To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
I googled “where do ninjas live?” no results were found.
Well played ninjas. Well played.
[shampoo bottle falls in the bath]
all other bottles: WE ARE COMING FOR YOU, BROTHER
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
Packs of underwear come in a resealable zip lock bag and STILL I have to use a chip clip to close my cereal bag with. Wtf.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
6 pack abs on a guy are nice but it probably means that he won’t get drunk & rob a convenient store of cheese curls w/me at 3am, so no.
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
If you are feeling tired, let someone see you rip the head off a stuffed animal and eat the stuffing, and then you will have lots of time to rest.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I bought my friends an elephant for their room.
They said: Thank you.
I said: Please don’t mention it.
Singing happy birthday when masked is no longer permitted until we determine who was beatboxing.
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
Follow me for more life hacks.
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
[last day as the circus’s human cannonball] you can’t fire me I quit
[Ocean’s 14]
Danny Ocean: We’re going to steal the world’s largest ball of twine
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
*mother squirrel pulls her child away from the curb just as he’s about to cross the street* junior no! wait for a car to come
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Please stop asking Santa for the perfect woman…….
3 times he’s tried to kidnap me this week
3: Can I be Cinderella?
Me: Sure, you can help me mop the floors, scrub the toilets and the dishes need to be put away.
3:
Me: Well?
3: Can I be Sleeping Beauty?