Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
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Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
The IBS drug commercial that mentions “urgent diarrhea” implies there’s also a laid back, non-urgent form of diarrhea that I’ve never had.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
Hollywood sets impossible standards we can never live up to. Not even once have I saved people from dinosaurs with my knowledge of Unix.
If your kid texts you questions about the price of replacing any household item, you will be replacing said item.
I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.
Apparently, RSVPing to a wedding invitation with “maybe next time” is wrong.
I know that now…
If McDonalds wants to check my $10 bill for signs of counterfeit, I should be able to check their chicken for chicken.
“well i asked asked her to move in after 3 months but i don’t think-”
[cop interrupts me] do you know how fast you were going IN YOUR CAR
Cow Teacher:
Did you bring up enough for the rest of the class?Heifer *chewing cud*
NoTeacher: Swallow it again then.
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
As a doctor I too can prescribe up to 100 milligrams of internet a day
If the cat climbs into a house guest’s lap, I like to freeze and whisper, “Are you feeling okay? She only does that with those who are dying.”
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
Love it! 👍😂
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
ME: Can I borrow your car?
FRIEND: You already borrowed my car.
ME: *nervously* Can I borrow another one?
Social media has shown us why there are directions on shampoo.
Smoking kills. Smoking panics. Smoking tries to hide the body.
Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body prevents cellulite. But apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks & now the cops are here.
My dog and I have the same schedule:
6 AM: Wake up
7 AM: Eat breakfast
8 AM: Use the bathroom on our neighbor’s lawn
9 AM: Play
10 AM: Nap
[College admissions office]
“Sorry sir you can’t transfer your street cred for college credits”
ME: that’s wack
If you see someone crying, ask if it’s because of their haircut.