It’s impossible to have an *ok* time on a trampoline. It’s either the most fun you’ve ever had or you go to the hospital.
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Happening now: The young lady sitting next to me on the plane sneezed & I said “Bless you” & she thanked me then she immediately sneezed again & I said “You only get one” and oh she did NOT laugh
[drops son off for 1st day at daycare]
“Ok, Mr Hughes, see you at 3 o’clock.”
“Not a chance. He’s your problem now.”
I hate avocados
*gets kicked out of California*
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: An ostrich.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a runnin’ bird.
ANGEL: I think you need a break dude
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
Realtor: And I can assure you the house has been child-proofed
*my kid walks in*
Me: I see you’re a liar
Me: I slept through the second half of that movie
Kids: And the first half
Me: Yes
“Excuse me, sir, I’m going to have to ask you not to sleep in the library.”
“Why are you bothering me right now? What if I was dead?”
“I’m afraid we discourage that as well.”
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
Twitter is for people who don’t like to poop alone.
Cellulite? No thank you. I prefer good old full fat cellu
Her: I think I’m going to call it a night.
Me, looking out the window: Yea, I mean that’s what it’s called.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
I did squats today. Mostly because I was hiding from a coworker.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
Don’t be fooled – orca whales are just penguins set to widescreen 16:9 instead of the usual 4:3.
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
When something with a lifetime warranty breaks, they send a hitman to your house.
“Let’s check in with Ted our correspondent in the field.”
Ted: “Hey Bob I’ve been in this field for about an hour, and I’m super bored.”
If you’re single on Valentine’s Day, it’s not because you’re undesirable or unattractive. It’s because you didn’t take the time to summon a demon & ask it out on a date and that is 100% your fault.
Just in case the FBI turns on my web cam, I’ve got a teeny tiny picture of Jimmy Hoffa taped to the lens.
*Dressing up like a School Lice Outbreak Notice for Halloween*
[rolls a boiled egg down the bar to a hot girl]
me – “that was an accident can I have my egg back please”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
[first date]
Me looking confused: “well you had cartoon bunny ears in your profile picture!”