[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
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COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo
Me: …so anyway, the doctor said I might be lactose intolerant
Mom: *hysterical crying*
Dad: you’re a disgrace to the State of Wisconsin. Don’t come home for Thanksgiving. *slams down phone*
I believe I can flyyy.
I believe I can touch the skyyy.
I believe I was mistaaaken.
I believe I’m faaalling.
I believe I’m gonna diiiie.
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I have a huge gash in my forehead. I’m going to assume I got up in the middle of the night, fought some crime, and went back to bed.
I’m walking more to lose weight in order to help my knees feel better. Walking more is making my knees sore.
The moral of the story?
Don’t have knees.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
At my funeral, please make my dead body do the ‘walking down stairs behind a couch’ into the grave
*crumples a hamburger next to the phone* sorry, i’m having trouble hearing u over this delicious hamburger noise call u later ok
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
This is my daughter Amaranth, my son Sorghum, and our dog Millet. Sorry if the photo is a little — grainy.
Boom! Zing! This is free content!
Me: (slightly intoxicated ) I don’t think our cat understands me at all.
16: Mom, put the guinea pig back in his cage please. You’re scaring him.
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
If I am wearing red lipstick you can be sure I have one thing on my mind..
I hope I don’t have any on my teeth.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
You gotta kiss a lotta frogs to get a lotta desperate late-night texts from frogs.
If your mailbox isn’t made of tractor parts and your house doesn’t have a septic tank, you’re not allowed to like country music.
I don’t make the rules.
Me: Nice abs, bro
Gym bruh: Uh, thanks?
Me: *pulling a sheet cake from my gym bag* Be a shame if something were to happen to them
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
Sorry about the mess, but cleaning really chips my nail polish.
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”