The dogboner /Neil degrasse Tyson situation has been an elaborate ruse all so Michael hale could claim on gawker that he has a girlfriend
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“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Promised myself that today I wouldn’t steal anything, kill anyone or use any Meatloaf song lyrics in a sentence & two out of three ain’t bad
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
It’s one of life’s cruellest jokes that just as your kids reach an age where they’ll allow you to sleep through the night, your bladder hits the age that says, ‘no you won’t!’
Him: I can’t sleep
Me: try counting sheep
Him: did it ever occur to you that the fact that you filled our bedroom with 27 sheep is the reason why I can’t sleep?
Me: aww you HAVE counted them *claps hands*
[ explaining The Plan ]
jesus: ok i gotta be honest, you lost me at the giant rabbit with eggs
god: look man, these ppl are idiots
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
I have a favorite Telehealth doctor I talk to a lot. I said, “I think I’m dying.” She said, “You’re not dying.” I said, “How do you know?” She said, “Because you keep calling me.”
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
STUDENT: Will there be a final?
PROFESSOR: Does a bear shit in the woods?
BEAR STUDENT: *from the back row* Thats none of your damn business
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
Evening News is where they begin with ‘Good Evening’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Every time someone puts “taken” in their bios, Liam Neeson starts killing people.
I would’ve worn my short shorts and my striped tube socks if I knew I was going to be walking around in sepia tone all day
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
If I lived in England I would approach my boss on payday and say “pound me.”
it’s been 12 years since Shrek came out, I still can’t get over the fact that Donkey had sex with a dragon..
Whenever I see a job advertisement, I respond to it. It’s called MANNERS
wordle is optional. y’all complain so much, just wanted to remind you
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Is the economy struggling? Have you tried telling it to work harder and cut back on luxuries?