Me: Look pal, I’m not some princess that needs to be rescued, ok?
Bagger: Ma’am, we help everyone with their groceries.
Me: Fine! One date.
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sisqo: [filing a missing persons’ report] she had dumps like a truck
cop: i keep telling you, i don’t know what that means
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Why is there only 50 shades of grey? Why not 5,000? What’s stopping them?
Told my doctor I would lose 10 pounds in three months. That was three months ago and now I have 18 hours to lose 9¾ pounds.
NASA is launching a new mission to say sorry to the aliens, they are calling it, “Apollo G”
If I was a doctor I would scare my patients by pretending to go check google every time they asked me a question
Two types of dogs.
True freaking story!
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
So how do you stop eating the endless breadsticks at Olive Garden does the restaurant close or are you supposed to bring a spotter with you?
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
This started out as a simple cucumber account.
But drunk and horney ladies, gave cucumbers a bad reputation.
Dr: Check his vital signs.
Nurse: He’s got 4G coverage & his battery’s at 60%
Me: Both of our hamsters died and we just can’t part with them
Taxidermist: Would you like them mounted?
Me: Um no, just holding hands
*walks in restroom reading phone*
*opens stall door & starts peeing*
Guy (pooping while staring at his phone): DUDE, WHAT THE…
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
Lord give me coffee to change the things I can…and vodka to accept the things I cannot.
Amen!
Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
Told my kids to get rid of toys they don’t play with, so if you hear a commotion it’s just them desperately playing with every toy they own.
i would simply not board a british passenger liner that was poorly captained and about to sideswipe an iceberg
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Ain’t no panic like when you think you’ve misplaced your driving cheese.
Drove by a woman with her car broke down, I was going to stop and help until I remembered I don’t know anything about cars or women.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
inventor of doritos: what if triangles were delicious
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.