FACEBOOK: join your friends at these events that might interest you nearby
ME: not today satan
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[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
welp
Me: How did Mrs. Incredible know to name her son Dash if she didnt know what his superpower was yet?
Cashier: so was that paper or plastic?
everyone hates on Gollum but he had the right idea: become a hermit, collect jewels, swim naked in lakes and pools, occasionally hiss at people who try to make you go places
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
I just read a thing that said I should compliment myself on my decisions, regardless of outcome. No thanks, I’m not the government.
The bananas in my fruit bowl were overripe
Fruit flies everywhere!
I tried to kill them
But I just ended up giving them a round of applause
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
[examining human DNA]
Okay, that’s one twisted step ladder.
If we discovered ghosts tasted delicious it would change the entire dynamic of haunting forever.
Victorian photographers like “Okay we have a two deceased relatives propped in chairs package or our popular one deceased, multiple poses plus family pet package. We can include coffins but the trend now is to have some fun capturing pics where it’s unclear who’s actually alive”
I just got a headache from bending down but yeah, age is just a number.
#Caturday
Don’t you just love arts and crafts?
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
Date: Cat-callers disgust me.
Me: [hastily returning phone to pocket] Oh haha yeah me too.
My cat: *at home by the phone worried sick*
A meal so good, you want to position it on a couch and use it as the subject of a charcoal drawing that’ll survive one of the great maritime tragedies in history, only to be recovered 84 years later in a safe full of brine and grime and beautifully restored via mini power washer.
Crazy to think back before camera phones we all used to sit in front of bathroom mirrors with sketch pads.
Waiter: What kind of mustard, sir?
Me: French please
Garçon: Pardon, quelle sorte de moutarde, monsieur?
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings