1 star recipe reviews are always like “I replaced the sugar with flax seed and butter with spinach and these pancakes came out dry and gross. Do not recommend”
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I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
Not to brag but I can make my son angry just by asking, “how was your day?”
[answering machine]
“Hi Mom, leave a message”
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
[trial]
Judge: how do you plead?
“not guilty”
J: but you’ve admitted to dropping an anvil on him.
“he asked me to make him a pancake”
.@cocacola i tried to give a coke bottle to a polar bear. he did not accept. also he took my son. i need my son back
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
If she hides her money in her bra, that’s called a treasure chest.
I’ve decided to try water tomorrow, I’m pretty excited.
Just bought 6 pounds of cheese. Won’t need toilet paper now.
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
[After my wife ate my bag of M&Ms I was saving for later]
Wife: You’re being so over-dramaticMe *texting her back from motel room* am I
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
I have a ghost cat. My Litter Robot just told me it detected a 5.9 pound cat. I don’t have a 5.9 pound cat or one close to that weight.
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
I can understand why chickens wake up and scream
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
I paid extra for the “supreme” car wash, which means at the end they put a dollop of sour cream on top of your car.
Of course introverts lie, how do you think we get jobs.
So weird that my kids will touch every handle in the house except the one that flushes the toilet
Why couldn’t I have been born rich instead of so ridiculously witty?
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.