When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
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“Damn! If I wasn’t already married, I’d propose to myself,”
I humbly say as I taste test this homemade mac and cheese.
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
Killer: come out come out wherever you are
Me: *hiding*
Killer: omg what a cute puppy!
Me: *jumps out* i wanna see the pup…oh man
I need someone to hand me a cup of coffee when I wake up so I can have coffee before I make my coffee.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
It’s like the people in this restroom don’t even want my help unbuttoning their pants.
STOP RUNNING AWAY I JUST WANT TO HELP YOU
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
been adding little motivational notes in books so I can read more 😊
I’m tired of explaining myself. Someone else do it for me.
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
All food is good if you spell it wrong
Thousands of people are attacked by sea creatures every year. We at BP are dedicated to bringing that number down. You’re welcome!
I liked Metamucil better back when it was called Facebookmucil.
8: does my meal come with puppypuffs?
me: wut
8:
me: OH hush puppies?
8: oh. Yea
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
“I’m going to show off my new belt by tucking in my T-shirt” -Men over 50.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day
I was doing a bench press and a spider dropped on my face.
Not dropping the weights is now my greatest accomplishment in life.
Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
What did the boy with no hands get for christmas?
Gloves!
Just kidding, I don’t know what he got. He hasn’t opened it yet.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
The Sims fulfills the millennial fantasy of being able to afford a house in a walkable neighborhood on the salary of a professional carrot peeler.
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Today I learned that when getting a pedicure with your wife, don’t tell the salon girl “thanks for the amazing toe job”.