I schedule my tweets pretty far out in advance, so I might not be funny now, but I’ve got a banger coming in August of 2037.
You Might Also Like
*sees 54-year old on American Ninja Warrior*
Through a mouthful of ice cream, “I’ve got plenty of time.”
My bachelor party always end with a wedding.
Breakfast: 200 calories
Lunch: 500 calories
Dinner: 800 calories
Snack before bed: 15,000 calories
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
*while scrolling Facebook
I’m so glad Congress is going to make Facebook protect my data!
*clicks on “What Harry Potter character is your social security number?”
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
Given their destructive force to homes, kids’ birthday parties should get names like hurricanes do. Birthday Party Hugo.
Tell your wife her butt looks big in those jeans.
Live a little.
Pffft. Call me when you can cut the sexual tension with a spoon.
None of the scenarios in which I would require a watch that works 200m underwater are situations in which my watch would be my main concern.
[text from wife]
I want a divorceMe: *stands up at desk* YES!!!
*starts breakdancing*
*books trip to Bahamas*
*kisses Carol in accounting*
*goes into boss’s office* I QUIT!!![…typing]
Haha, April fools
My son is so lazy he’s went from playing video games on the computer to watching other people play video games on the computer.
{at the dentist}
Hygienist: Let’s just have a look
Me, panicking: I’m so sorry! I used all my dental floss to lace my shoes.
Hygienist: Last time you said you were abducted by aliens who wouldn’t let you floss.
I bought my 7 yo light pink bedsheets & she keeps referring to them as her “skin sheets” and telling me how creepy they are.
“I’m going to bed now but I want you to know these skin sheets are terrifying”
*watching an old Lassie show
Me: How come you can’t do those things?
Dog (mutters): If we had a well I’d push you into it.
Got to THE GATES and St. Peter said, “Go home you’re drunk!” Just another time alcohol saved my life.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
Me: *holding my pet rat who is wearing full karate gear* Oh RAP battle, that makes more sense.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
it was extremely windy last night and my boyfriend couldn’t sleep and I woke to find him on the wikipedia page for Wind
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
That pen in the junk drawer that hasn’t been used in four years picked today to have an attitude.
Him: I love to feel my hair blowing in the breeze
Me: please put your pants back on
Retweet this if you want to be abducted by aliens.
I wish my wife’s milkshakes brought the boys to the yard. I need someone to rake the leaves.
WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey