Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
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me: I challenge you to a fish fight
them: you mean fist fight?
Me: [gently putting bass knuckles on my best goldfish Reginald] no
In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
Rompers are cute and all until you have to pee in a public bathroom. There’s no cute way to execute that. You’re now in an episode of naked and afraid.
If you’ve seen one shopping centre, you’ve seen a mall.
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
Last Minute Gift Idea:
Chew with your mouth closed.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
To err is human, to eh is Canadian.
Parents: You can be anything you want to be kiddo!
Me: Okay I definitely want to be an artist!
Parents: lol no we meant a real job.
I could never give up my dog, he knows too much
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
my first dose meeting my second
Me: *winking while holding up an eggplant
Passport photographer: No
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
Honest ads – ‘Hot singles in your area want to be just friends’. ‘Hot singles in your area think of you more like a brother’.
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
As the anesthetic knocks you out, your surgeon washes his hands and misses a really easy shot into the garbage with the paper towel.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.
I just won $50 on a scratch off! Guess y’all know who’s splurging on the whole cashews next grocery trip.
I fear that one day I’ll click on “Forgot password?” and it will say “We’re not telling you. This is going to be a learning experience.”
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
SHERLOCK: Is that mud on your shoe?
WATSON: No, shit Sherlock.
This peach margarita tastes like I’m not working out today
impressing her on a first date by using no knife but two forks
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
My future’s so bright that I have to wear lampshades like an injured dog.