Whenever I go down the stairs next to an escalator, I always move faster than the escalator to prove to the people I made the better decision
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*throws goods on conveyor belt*
Cashier: is that all sir?
Me:”Nope. You got change for a trophy?”
Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
wtf are you supposed to do when maintenance people come over your house? do I stand there and tell him he’s doing a good job?
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
Just spent 5 minutes scratching my back against a post and now I have the sudden urge to hibernate for winter.
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
Forget teleportation or invisibility. If I could have any superpower it would be the ability to attain the perfect salsa to chip ratio every time.
My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Sometimes when I look into the sky I get overwhelmed with emotion and eat the nearest entire tree and everything living in that tree
Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:
-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent
The possibility of there being cake will greatly affect my interest and/or possible involvement.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
Thinking of becoming the “where’s my hug” guy in prison.
my superhero friends never let me be the head of our giant robot because I refuse to stop kissing airplanes
Once I get enough sleep and reduce my caffeine intake, it’s over for you twitches.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
This is the most amazing dad shit I’ve ever seen. Dude let the baby go, caught the ball, recovered the baby mid air, only spilled a drop of beer and the baby didn’t drop the bottle.
Legendary!
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
Thanksgiving is going to be hard this year because half my family dances to remember and the other half dances to forget.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
You young couples with your dogs, your trial children, you’ll learn nothing about parenting because you can never teach a toddler to “sit”.