peep davidson
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Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
They should really replace, “I now pronounce you man and wife” with “FINISH HIM!!”
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
To do list:
1) Kill the fly in my room.
2) Try to snort multivitamins.
3) Practice Hadouken in mirror.
4) Kill the fly’s loved ones.
The house from Hansel and Gretel but made out of tacos.
Hamburger Hinderer.
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
me: [struggling to take off a sports bra]
other lady in the locker room: I CAN DO IT MYSELF
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
I love my sister now but when we were young I would have traded her for a bag of chips and a soda
Watched the movie Gravity tonight. Didn’t see as much gravity as I expected. Two thumbs down based on that.
Col Mustard: We’ll have a quiet night
Miss Scarlet: No murdering!
Professor Plum: No one dying tonight!
Me: What’s wrong? Are you all “board” of it lmao
*long pause*
Col Mustard: Maybe a little murdering
Miss Scarlet: Toss me that candlestick
#JohnTravolta
The struggle between wanting a hot body or a hot fudge sundae is real.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
cashier: “would you like to donate to fight hunger?”
me: “oh, hunger wants to rumble?”
*dip knuckles in syrup & then in Cheerios
“im ready”
There is no wrong response when someone tells you they have named their pet after you.
Me: *returns from bakery with a bap, bagel, bun & cob*
Wife: What are these?
Me: The synonym rolls you asked for.
Wife: CINNAMON.
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
Me: ‘Goodnight.’
Brain: ‘Where shall we begin?’
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Old high school classmate: Really? You’re about to have your 4th child?
Me: Are you surprised I like kids?
Him: I’m surprised you had sex.
Do you ever get shampoo in your eyes and wonder what the name of your guide dog will be?
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
okay run it by me one more time