I’m 30 and my knees won’t even let me leap down steps to catch a subway. So yes, I think the Die Hard franchise is unrealistic.
You Might Also Like
World: Hey check out this sport we made called football.
America: *sips beer* Check out this other sport I just made called football.
I considered buying this but the scratches on the lid had me concerned.
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Overheard:
5yo : you think I’m ugly
6yo: a little bit yes, but mostly no
Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds
[first day as EMT]
Me: *checks pulse*
Victim’s wife: well?
Me: *shakes head*
Victim’s wife: I don’t think you should shake his head
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
We go together like unprotected eyes and a lab accident.
i have never needed anything in my life more than this
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?-No, I’ll order off the menu
-The buffet has more options
-That’s ok. I know what I want
-The buffet?
-No.
-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I like big DUCKS & I cannot lie
All you other mallards can’t deny
That a big beaked freak with a-
Park Ranger: Sir, you’re scaring the kids
This dude forgot to put tomatoes on my sandwich. Thanks, “artist”. Now I have nothing to pick off.
Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.
No, whenever there’s trouble YOU seem to be around…officer.
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly.
Men are like bacon because we’re pigs.
Me: When a door closes a window opens.
All dads: Close that damn window! I’m not trying to air condition the whole damn county! And turn off that light while you’re at it.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
lower my casket into the ground and play “The Lion Sleeps Tonight” If you see someone not singing the Wimba Way part, kick them out.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
“Barista” is Italian for BA in liberal arts.
Every time I hear someone say “The Lord works in mysterious ways,” I picture him performing miracles while doing the robot.
What do you mean normal people don’t remove their pants to eat dinner
[teen me w/GF in my dad’s car]
Me: You wanna do it?
Her: *giggling* Yes
Me: *hears voice whisper no glove, no love* GET OUT OF THE CAR MOM
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?