I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
You Might Also Like
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
I have a joke about trickle down economics.
99% of you won’t ever get it.
Is my bath bomb supposed to be ticking?
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?
Me: sobbing because Antie died in “Honey, I Shrunk The Kids”.
Also me: two cans of Raid in hand, chasing one single ant across the house.
owing to recent events I will be moving to the big duck in Long Island
Eric’s family was excited because Uncle Joe was back from the dead. However, Eric was pretty certain that he never had an Uncle Joe. Also, it was odd that no one seemed to notice that “Uncle Joe” was constantly cloaked in #shadow and spent a lot of time on the ceiling.
#vss365
no refunds
Wife thinks I was present for every conversation she’s had with anyone, ever, and assumes I know what the hell she’s talking about right now
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
me: hey big boy
friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that
Me: Say that word I like
Him: Pajamas?
Me getting up to pee after being comfortable in bed
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
College: Now that you’re making tons of money with your degree, please donate back to us every year
Me: lol
College: lol ikr?
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
I read a news article about a guy who bought a golden egg for $13k that turned out to be a Faberge egg worth $33 mil. Those kinds of lucky stories would never happen to me. There will never be a news story that says “Man finds lost Rembrandt painting inside bag of Doritos”.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Both her name and her living situation suggests that the dwarves MAY have been referring to Snow White when they sang, ‘high ho.’
Got kicked out of a museum today for bringing a painting to the front and asking, “how much is this one?” It’s like they don’t want any help during a pandemic.
They make SAVORY soup now? No more dessert soup for me!
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Your eyes may say yes, but your eyebrows are screaming “I will boil your bunny the minute you ignore me!”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.