Well, that’s disappointing. I called every crematorium in the state, and they all only do dead people.
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How would someone cancel an appointment at a sperm bank?
Do you just call them and say you can’t come
(looking up from my book) only a couple words in and already i know i’m gonna like this book. this dickens guy immediately establishes that it was the best of times. people used to write about that kind of thing, just good guys having a nice time. (i turn back to the book) f***!
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
I keep waiting for my Cadbury Creme Eggs to hatch into Cadbury Creme Chickens, but no luck so far. And sitting on them certainly didn’t help
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
“We were trapped in the elevator and had to make a terrible decision”
Which was?
“We ate Bill”
OMG. How long were you in there?
“4 minutes”
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
funeral catering business:
your loss, our gain
bartender: the usual?
me: you know it
bartender: [throws me thru window]
Know who put dinosaur bones in the ground? Dinosaurs. They WANTED us to think they were extinct. And now they’re waiting. Waiting to strike.
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I always try to hold the door open for women I see walk by, so we can talk and get to know each other. But none of them will get in my car.
My tattoos aren’t braille, so do not sneak up to me & begin to feel them.
Unless you’re hot, then you get the secret taste option.
commercial: 2 out of 3 people suffer from depression. talk to ur doctor today
me: [hurriedly phones doctor] hey do u suffer from depression
Interesting that the homeless population is down and now there is a big sale of unlabeled meat at the grocery store.
*throws $100 bill into a wishing well* I wish I was good with money
Qualifications for a job with the Kenyan government.
1. You must be old. Really old…like above 75 years old.
2.The older you’re, the higher your chances.
3. Death is an added advantage.
My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
Writing historical fiction is so benignly chaotic, like I’m in the middle of composing an intense, heartfelt, philosophical scene then suddenly I have to open a new tab for “when were towels invented”
Why do people assume I know all about computers just because I’m from India? That makes so I angry I just want to 01010010101010101010101
Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.