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Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
“This would look a lot better in the toilet”
-toddlers
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
“seasonal depression” makes it sound like i brought it home from the farmers’ market
oh yeah that shit is [spends 10 minutes looking for the fire emoji]
I want to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti.
I just want a future archaeologist to have a great day.
[wife is gone]
me: I’m gonna take apart the front porch railings
10: did mom say you could?
me: it’s my house too!
10: but did she tell you that you could do that?
me: I can do what I want
10: I’m texting mom
If my metabolism and serotonin were employees they would have been so fired by now
Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
Who else read this as a threatening Yoda?
1% milk was invented when someone poured regular milk into a glass that still had water in it and they were too ashamed to admit their mistake.
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
My baby girl turns 2 today and I’m so glad I bought her all these presents so she can play with the empty boxes and wrapping paper
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
therapist: and what did we say you should do when you’re feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
I don’t need pepper spray to stop a mugger, I just open my wallet and blow the dust in their eyes
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
5: I’m bad at this puzzle
Me: you’re trying your best! Mommy has a hard time with that one too!
5: yeah, because you’re bad at it
People who end their sentences with Latin abbreviations usually don’t know what they’re talking about et al.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
In a bad place rn, not mentally just flying over Birmingham
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.