Assert dominance by getting comfy in your dogs bed whenever they get up and leave the room
You Might Also Like
Possessed by deviled eggs.
Someone call an eggcorcist.
8: [looking at a picture list of US presidents]. Why are they all SO OLD?
14: because you have to be old to be the president. Like, 40 and older.
me, 40: what in the shit did you just say?
my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
After seeing your latest selfie … And knowing what you look like in real life…. I’d like to hire you for your photoshopping abilities.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is
3 fought tooth and nail over not putting on pants under a dress this morning. I explained it was weather appropriate.
3: How about I put them on now and take them off at school?
She’s going to crush high school.
[first day as a ninja]
me: *sneaking in*
him: I’ve been expecting you
me: how
him: dude, I heard the tic tacs rattling in your purse from a mile away is this your first day
You seem like the type of person I might give my heart to, but as nervously as I’d be watching a drunk holding a newborn.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Why are cops the only ones who get to go undercover? Why can’t a dentist? Coming soon, Undercover Dentist
8: When I’m a grown up, I’m going to stay up all night
Me: I’m a grown up and I don’t stay up all night
8: Well I’m going to be a grown up with a lot of energy not a sleepy one like you
[office]
DAVE: We’re having a baby
SUE: Congratulations!
ME: [suspicious that Dave is a seahorse] Looking forward to the birth, Dave?
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
I went for a job interview and the manager said, “we’re looking for someone who is responsible.”
“Well that’s me,” I replied. “In my last job, whenever anything went wrong they said I was responsible!”
Why is it called “getting your car fixed” and not “autocorrect”
If he calls you clingy, move in immediately without warning and decorate his bed with 57 throw pillows
fourth time’s the charm
I always wink at the local Funeral Director, because he will be the last one to see me naked, and I don’t want it to be awkward.
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
Fun fact: Malcolm X was not his birth name. He was originally Malcolm Twitter.
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Friend: I grew as a person
Me: Did you molt?
Friend: What?
Me: Is there a dried out slightly smaller husk of you in the basement?
Friend:
Me: Can I see it?