I used the word pizza six times in my marriage vows.
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Halloween ’94: Mom says store sold out of Batman costumes and buys me a Catwoman one. Called me Catman. The worst part: she went as Batman?
The first person to see a sunset was probably like well this ain’t good.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
911: what’s your emergency?
me: what’s YOUR emergency?
911: *starts crying* omg no one’s ever asked me that before!
me: jk I’ve been stabbed
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
5 just asked if I was older than Grandma so Christmas at our house is canceled.
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
The French really did the “this is fine” meme.
If I don’t stop stress-eating, I will be the elephant in the room.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Vegan zombies be like: GRAINS!
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
What if they close the grocery stores and we actually have to hunt for our food?
I don’t even know where little Debbie lives.
i mainly don’t bother with botox or other injections because why pay a crapton of money to make me look like a slightly more rested version of my actual age when alcohol is cheap and makes me think i still have game
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
My 4yo is constantly asking us if he can push buttons and it’s like…you already do buddy…you already do.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
In my town we have little crime and lots of cops which makes me mad because all the good donuts are gone early in the morning.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
I always try and write my tweets real slow because I know some of you can’t read fast.
*in bed*
Him: what’s your fantasy, baby?
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittles instead of gold
Him: No, like sexual
Me: Scrooge McDuck but skittl-