If you’re pulled over, wait for the cop to lean down to your window, then use their vulnerability to give them a quick peck on the cheek
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i hate when you have to gather 30 of some random item to complete a quest. like when the laundromat’s $7.50 washing machine is quarters only
THE CAST OF “CATS” AS MEDIEVAL CAT PAINTINGS: A THREAD
My husband thinks it’s really weird I only like green bananas and I think it’s really weird I have a husband.
Me: Wanna take this upstairs?
Her: Mhm, but you should know it’s my first time
Me: Don’t worry, upstairs is like the downstairs, just higher
*in the basement organizing LEGO by color and size*
My child: Can I help?
Me: *straight up hissing noises*
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
[first time trying standup]
Me: So, I was talking to a friend recen-
*from the back* LOL YEAH RIGHT
Me: Please, mom, not now
*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
[watching a true crime show and the cops are questioning a suspect]
My Son: Where’s his lawyer?
Me: The idiot didn’t ask for one.
My Son: *heavy sigh*
I dreamt I was turning into a
t-rex. A tiny part of me tried to fight it
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
marriage counsellor: so what’s the problem?
me: i don’t know
my ‘friend’: i’m tired of you trying to keep our marriage a secret
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
My autocorrect just changed “I’m off” to “I’m DTF” and changed a casual conversation with my boss into an H.R meeting.
[interviewing babysitter]
me: how much do you charge?
ipad:
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
Husband has a fancy satellite alarm that does all kinds of things by itself but today it keeps beeping every hour despite my attempts to make it stop so I’m about to find out if it’s waterproof
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
A couple of years ago, I convinced my son I don’t know how to clap. He’s been trying to teach me ever since. I’m hoping I can keep this going til I stand up and slow clap during his high school graduation
When the Visa bill comes and your wife asks what are the 5 OnlyFans charges each month, just tell her they are for your Fantasy Sports Leagues.
sin harder.
my favorite posts on fb are the people who apologize for not having be on in a while and nobody cares that they’re back