INTERVIEWER: Would you like a donut?
ME: *takes three*
I: Um, ok, what’s your greatest strength?
ME: [grabbing two more donuts] Self-control
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[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Between my education and helping four children with their homework, I’ve studied approximately 27 years of Algebra.
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
My kid sold your honor student a quarter ounce of oregano.
“Dogs are assholes”
DOG PERSON: YOU’RE an asshole!
“Cats are assholes”
CAT PERSON: Yeah
360-degree action cams finally finding a valid use case
Someone: how are you?
Me: thanks, you too.
If you give a man a fish he’ll eat for a day but if you teach a kid how to make pop tarts your job as a parent is pretty much done
I will die twice in my life – once when my heart stops, and once the first time I casually reference the pandemic to someone who looks like an adult and they say “oh, that happened before I was born”
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Just Jedi mind tricked my BF into buying me a new phone. Well not really, I had to moan during sex and promised to be nice to his mom.
dog: why can’t I see colors?
me: you’re visually impaired.
dog: what’s impai?
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
Monsters under the bed lose their scariness when my own bed tries to make waffles out of me.
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
I’m crying im so happy for them
Personality test: do you tend to keep to yourself
Me: Yes
Personality test: you are an introvert
Me: Holy shit
“KIDS, GET YOUR SHOES ON WE’RE LEAVING FOR SCHOOL IN SIX HOURS!!!”
— Centipede parents
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
THERAPIST: How did you feel when you first realized you had a Gloria Gaynor obsession?
ME: First I was afraid. I was petrified.
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
*hangs out at graveyard*
I like older men.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.