Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
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My eyes are up here, buddy. Stop looking at my spaghetti sauce stain.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
For Halloween I’m giving out razor blades with candy in them. These kids’ll be shaving away and then BAM – nougat everywhere.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
Well it happened. My girlfriend walked in and caught me watching Spongebob
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
Birthday Card Discreetly Passed Around Office Like Some Sort Of Covert CIA Operation
i made a craigslist ad !
Everyone is drunk except me.
– a horror story
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
why pay kristen stewart millions of dollars when a cardboard cutout of kristen stewart will give the exact same performance for free
[donating blood]
Me [feeling lightheaded]: I’m gonna need that back
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
Thinking about quitting my job to pursue my dream of not working.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
I know we are supposed to be worried about AI but I’ve been watching my Roomba throw itself off the stairs every single time I’ve ever used it I think we’re OK for a minute
When you put :/ at the end of your text I know you had a terrible stroke and call 911.
Could you please put your screaming baby on vibrate.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
[Giving my eulogy]
GIRLFRIEND: He was beloved for his many funny tweets, such as,
*Scrolling**Scrolling*
*Scrolling*
*Very slight chuckle*
*Scrolling*
Okay I actually don’t see any I like but he talked about it a lot, so I assume he was good.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
Pal: I thought you weren’t supposed to eat for an hour after taking that medicine.
Me: Grapes aren’t food. They’re itty bitty water balloons.
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Chef: What kind of bread would you like? We have wheat, rye, white…
Me: Black bread.
Chef: We don’t have that.
Me: Racist.